Grief

It's been almost 2 months since my dad passed away, and I still haven't fully recovered from it. There are moments where I miss him the most, wishing he was still here so I can talk to him. There are also moments that I'm just fine, feeling that his death happened a long time ago. But it's not yet that far away. I don't even know what I feel at certain times.

Psychology experts say that there are 5 stages of grief. That's what I learned back in school. But I see couple of articles saying that there are 7 now. The stages aren't full-proof chronological. Sometimes, you can even go back and forth between the stages. That's what I feel at times. Here is my view on the topic.

1. DENIAL - This is the stage where you just can't accept that your loved one is gone. It usually happens the first few weeks of the death. It can take longer for someone to move past this stage because of the overwhelming feeling we are trying to hide. No matter what we do, whether we like it or not, whether we are prepared for it or not, those feelings will surface.

2. ANGER - "Why did he have to die?" is one of the questions people will ask when a loved one dies. My question was, "Why did he have to die right now?". It took me 2 and a half days to actually go to my father's wake. I wasn't just angry at him or other people. I was also angry at myself. But it's normal to feel this way. Eventually, I got over it.

3. BARGAINING - This is the time when we ask God, or any higher being we believe in, for a compromise. Why do we do this? It's because of guilt. We're guilty that we didn't spend enough time together with the deceased, guilty that we didn't forgive or ask for forgiveness. Whatever the reason, we want our loved one back, maybe just for a time, to do what we have to do. I did encounter this when I was arguing with my mom. It's such a powerful feeling I wish I never have to experience again. But I highly doubt that.

4. DEPRESSION - This is the time when it is finally sinking in and you ask yourself "Where do we go from here?" Maybe we're at this stage. Fixing all the necessary things we have to do just makes me want to stop and not do anything. Yes, I miss him. Right now, writing this post makes me tear up. But we try to move on. We try to move.

5. ACCEPTANCE - I often ask myself when we'll actually be fine. When people ask me how I am, I answer with "I'm coping" or "I'm trying to be fine." In my opinion, those sentences are 2 practically fine responses. We're still not here, but I wish we do get here soon. But it's only been 2 months.

Death is inevitable. It's just a matter of time. And in my case, it's just a matter of time when I'll be able to say that I'm actually fine.